Is this "dream" I'm chasing a dead end?
"What are your goals?"
Seems like a simple question. But when my friend asked me, I felt much like I did in high school chemistry class when the teacher made eye contact. Please pick someone else, I don't know!
When I wrote this post shortly after quitting my full-time job, I was full of hope. I was a dreamer, thinking if I just followed my passions I could find success. Whatever success means.
It's been five months and I'm starting to wonder wtf I'm doing here.
My son is my everything. I'm grateful I have the ability to stay at home with him. Let's be honest, he's my job. My days revolve around his schedule and I wouldn't choose to do it differently. And perhaps that's my purpose. Perhaps that's all this is and once he's in school full-time I'll have to go back to a desk.
Because the truth is, I don't know what I'm doing. I know I'm sharing. Through this blog and on Instagram, I'm sharing my journey as a mom and a yogi. Through my YouTube channel I've started sharing pieces of my yoga practice in hopes of making the mat accessible to more people. Sometimes, I can't help but feel discouraged.
Discouraged because I'm not your typical "mom blogger." I don't do what the successful ones do. I don't share my OOTD. My house isn't going to be featured in any magazines and you definitely don't want any hair and makeup tips from me.
I'm also not your typical "health influencer." I'm awkward in front of a camera. I can't afford to do fancy photoshoots anyway. I'm not a picture of health. A lot of my meals come from the microwave and my idea of cooking is warming up meals from the Trader Joe's freezer section.
I really like yoga. Moving my body helped me heal from bulimia and anorexia. The practice has changed my life in so many ways and continues to help me explore myself and find healing and growth. It's a life practice for me, not a physical practice.
But I'm no "yoga star." I am still working on standing on my hands. I can't twist my body up into pretzel shapes. People around the country aren't seeking me out for my expertise. They don't see my Instagram and get inspired by gorgeous yoga photos. I practice yoga in a less-than-gorgeous unfinished basement and my poses aren't going to knock anyone's socks off.
When I see these people that I'm kind of sort of like — mom bloggers, health influencers, yoga stars — sometimes I get discouraged. Especially when I see people who I feel like just got into the game and are crushing it. They post a gorgeous photo that garners hundreds of immediate "likes" and it seems like they're always doing some killer collaborations. I'm over here with 1,000 followers wondering how many of them like my content because they like it and how many are being supportive because they're my friends.
Perhaps my problem is that I'm kind of sort of a lot of things but I'm not amazing at any one thing. I'm not a picture perfect mom, or health guru, or yogi.
So what am I doing here?
I am a very small fish in a giant pond. Every time I throw up a blog post, Instagram photo or a YouTube video, a voice inside me says, "What are you doing? Who are you to post that? Nobody cares!" A few times I've had a post ready to go up, only to change my mind.
Here's what I know. Memphis is 7 months old. He needs me right now — I'm focusing on that. I can find joy there.
Meanwhile, I'll keep sharing and probably continue wondering every time if anyone really cares.
Reality is starting to settle in, telling me that this isn't going to cut it forever. Eventually, I'm going to have to do something I can succeed at. This blog, my little Instagram account and YouTube videos just aren't enough. I wanted to be an example to my son by following my dreams, but I also need to be able to support his (what I mean by that is, I need to help pay the bills).
The point of this post is to tell you that I don't know what I'm doing. I don't have a clear direction with outlined goals and milestones. I'm questioning everything I'm doing and wondering if I should even be out here doing it. I'm feeling discouraged af and I'm sure a lot of people who take risks go through this, so I hope this post finds you and you find some comfort in knowing we're in the same boat.
I'm here anyway and trying to trust that everything will work out the way it is supposed to. If that means giving up on blogging and teaching yoga, it will be a hard pill to swallow but fortunately I don't have to make that decision yet. At least I'll know that I tried instead of always wondering "what if?"
As I go through this internal battle each day I'm trying to remind myself to enjoy every minute I get to spend with my son. I know this time will fly by (it already has!) and I don't want to look back and remember being stressed about my future. I want to look back and remember being happy with the present ... with his sweet giggles and cuddles and even the cries and meltdowns.
It's really hard. Focusing on the negative and doubting the future comes easier to me than finding joy in the present. I know I'm not the only one who struggles with this. But we can't give in. It's not easy and some days I are better than others but I'm striving to choose joy and presence.