This is what happened when I buried my problems

CC image via Jane Rahman on  Flickr

CC image via Jane Rahman on Flickr

This is a lesson I continue to learn. It's a habit that I'm working to break. My first reaction to bad things is to bury them. 

CC photo via Adam Bindslev on  Flickr

CC photo via Adam Bindslev on Flickr

I quit a lot of things growing up. If I wasn't good at a sport or I had a bad practice, I quit. I dropped out of orchestra because of a conflict with one conductor. As I became an adult and my problems grew larger than a violin, I used the same tactic: Bury them and hope they go away. 

I know I share this challenge with many. It's the reason so many people who struggle with eating disorders are so secretive. It's why it took me ... a year maybe? ... of sneaking off to the bathroom to throw up my meals to finally admit to anyone that I had an eating disorder. And even then, I continued to deny it to all but a couple people.

I tell myself that if I just ignore it, it will go away. 

Well, it doesn't. 

This has been a challenging year for me for many reasons. I'm facing some personal issues that have been buried. 

The ironic thing is that in our efforts to make problems go away, when we ignore them, they manifest. When you bury a seed, it's hidden beneath the surface. It's still there. And eventually, it grows into an ugly weed. 

Time to pull some mother effing weeds!

CC photo via Robert Payne on  Flickr

CC photo via Robert Payne on Flickr

I'm not proud that I've buried problems. I am proud that I'm working through them now. My sleeves are rolled up and I'm getting dirty. Sometimes I get pricked by a thorn or a mosquito gives me a nasty bite, but I planted these seeds and it's my responsibility to tend to this overgrown garden I've created.  

If you're reading this and nodding your head because you too bury your problems, there's no time like now to face them. It will suck. It just will. But then it won't suck. Vulnerability is courageous and freeing.  

Ironically, we've been tending to our yard for the first time since we bought our house. We've pulled bags upon bags of overgrown brush and weeds and planted new life. The new plants are small but if we keep good care of them, each year they'll grow bigger and more beautiful. They'll grow strong enough to weather the Kansas storms and fill our days with joy when we sit on the patio.  

CC photo via ukgardenphotos on  Flickr

CC photo via ukgardenphotos on Flickr

That's not my garden. My garden doesn't belong on the cover of "Better Homes and Gardens." It still has some weeds and it requires attention, love and patience. But it's getting more beautiful each day. And for that, I am grateful.