My happy weight

People often talk about their happy weight  the weight they feel most comfortable/happy in.

I have a number in my head that I used to think was my happy weight. It's the weight I felt good about but didn't have to starve myself to achieve.

If I gained weight, I would diet to return to that happy place. If my weight dipped below that number, it was OK to have wine and cookies. I felt like I was pretty balanced.

But then that weight became unattainable. Age happened, I suppose. And fitness happened. The older I got and the more I worked out, the higher that happy weight number became. 

Did my happy weight change? Is it a flexible number? Or do I keep striving for that original happy weight that took me 10 Cosmo quizzes to figure out?

Confession: I weigh more now than I ever have. 

Here's the real shocker: I'm extremely happy.

So is this my happy weight? Surely this is it, right? It's just moved up a bit. NO.

The thing is, weight isn't happy.

Weight is a measurement; a number. We don't have a happy height, happy shoe size or even a happy IQ. We have our happiness and we have our weight. Two independent things.

Granted, weight can be emotional and it can effect things like energy level, confidence, etc. Exercise can help increase your seratonin, which helps make you happy. I won't go into anymore details because I don't do science, but I'm aware that there is plenty of science that says health and happiness are connected. 

But health is not synonymous with weight.

I've been unhealthy and healthy at various weights. I achieved my former happy weight through healthy habits and unhealthy habits. I've been extremely unhappy and extremely happy at that happy weight. 

Something magical happened when I stopped weighing myself and tracking calories.

I started living. I started consistently being happier. 

Admittedly, I have moments. I'm human. Sometimes I don't feel pretty when I look in the mirror. Sometimes I notice some extra weight and feel a little discouraged. But the difference is that I can let it go ... and still be happy. Truly happy. 

It's a powerful thing to be able to notice that my body isn't exactly where I would like it to be, and to go on living and being happy anyway. 

My happy weight is whatever the scale says today. Or tomorrow. Or in two months. It will vary. Because finally, my happiness has declared its independence from my weight.