The moment I saw the word "Pregnant"

That’s right, I’m pregnant.

When we found out we were going to have a baby, I felt a huge rush of emotions. I was thrilled, but also shocked and a little terrified. Even though it wasn’t a “surprise,” I think it’s always a surprise. And with every appointment and baby purchase, it becomes more and more real. Shit, I’m going to be responsible for a human.

It’s a huge responsibility, one that I don’t take lightly, but I’m not just scared. I’m also excited. So excited that I happy cry alone in my car while singing nursery rhymes and my secret baby Pinterest boards are already full of nursery ideas and adorable baby clothes.

Here’s a letter I wrote to the wee one the day after we got that positive pregnancy test — the story of the day we learned little m was brewing.

(I’m now 15 weeks along, by the way.)

Dear wee one,

Last month, I was sure you were beginning to start your magic. My intuition said it was time. My body seemed to change to create space for you. When the test said “Negative,” I was disappointed.

Yesterday, I was quite sure of the opposite — that I wasn’t pregnant. Nothing seemed out of the ordinary. In fact, in the morning I taught a Yoga Sculpt class, doing burpees and pushups and followed it with a Bloody Mary at the bar. Sorry, baby.

A few hours later I developed a headache. “Mayyyybe I’m pregnant and that’s why I have a headache,” I thought. I didn’t really think so. But I decided to take the test. Just in case. After all, I was planning to have a beer later.

When I saw the result on that test, my mouth dropped. “Pregnant."

I wish I could say that my first thought was excitement and love, but it wasn’t. Instead, my mind was blank. There was nothing. I was in such shock that I didn’t know how to react. I stared at that word for the longest minute of my life. “Pregnant.” Knowing that life was never going to be the same. But knowing that from now on my life had a deeper purpose. 

In a dream world, I would have taken your dad to a nice dinner and given him a clever gift to share the news. But that’s not how we work. I had to tell him right away. He was watching some YouTube video in the living room and when I called his name, he says he knew what I was about to tell him. 

His jaw dropped when I showed him the test. “Are you serious?” He thought maybe I was joking. This wasn’t a joke. I showed him the word again just to confirm I wasn’t missing something. “That says ‘Pregnant’, right? I’m not missing a ‘Not’ in there?"

We shared a hug that was filled with both love and fear. And then we went to the grocery store — because that's what you do right after discovering you're going to have a baby, right? 

It seemed like there were extra children there last night. Sweet little boys and girls running through the aisles. I saw them in a different way. A softer way. I smiled at them and I hope their parents never saw me. I probably looked like a creep. But a little doubtful voice kept saying, “Are we ready for this?"

I skipped the deli meat and picked up some decaf coffee, my first efforts at giving you the nutrition you need. What’s the point of decaf coffee anyway? This is my first sacrifice for you. 

Kris and I hardly spoke. I think it was therapeutic in a way for us to be doing something so monotonous and normal together as we let the news of your beginning soak in. 

By the end of the trip, things started to seem a little more normal. I picked up a couple of Cadbury cream eggs — my favorite — and shared a lighthearted exchange with your father.

“The baby wants these,” I said.
“How many times are you going to use that line?” He replied.

We laughed — perhaps the first time we’d truly relaxed into the situation.

We’re so excited for this journey. But we’d be lying if we said we weren’t terrified. We’re terrified because we want to be the best people we can for you. We want to do the best for you. We want you to have everything you need, emotionally and physically. 

I know we won’t always get it right. But you have our promise that we will try our best.

You’re a sneaky one, baby. I was sure you weren’t in here yet. But I’m so glad you are.