I can't do king pigeon pose but I'm starting yoga teacher training

I can't do a king pigeon pose, lotus pose seems like wizardry and I use my blocks and straps to modify a lot of postures. I don't look like those gorgeous yogis on Instagram. But I'm starting yoga teacher training.

For a long time, I've dreamed about being a yoga teacher.

Yoga played a huge role in healing my eating disorder, and I wanted to share that gift with others. Plus, who doesn't want to be a yoga teacher? They're incredibly grounded, healthy and beautiful. They have a permanent post-yoga glow and everybody loves them. It's no wonder so many people are becoming yoga teachers. They're notoriously fabulous.

But I doubted myself.

Ever since I took my first yoga class, becoming a yoga teacher was a fairy tale dream of mine. It seemed intangible, like riding a unicorn or achieving world peace. When I grow up, I want to be a yoga teacher. I kept this dream in the back of my mind where I store the lyrics to songs from my sixth-grade musical. Then I had a quarter-life crisis and decided to follow my dream. Because life is short, because my career seemed foggy and because all the motivational quotes on Pinterest were telling me to.

So I put on my determined girl leggings, started practicing yoga daily and saving money for school. I subscribed to yoga magazines and read yoga books and blogs. If I keep practicing and learning, I'll be good enough to go to yoga school. I knew it could be years until I was ready, but that I would get there eventually. I will be good enough.

Then I realized I was always "good enough" (even without king pigeon).

Through yoga, we learn to accept ourselves, as we are. We accept where we are in our practice without judgment. We learn that modifications don't make us a bad yogi, they make us a smart yogi for doing what feels good. 

In yoga, there is no "good enough." It's not about nailing the final variation of the pose, it's about where your pose is today, in this moment. I was studying yoga, trying to be "good enough" for teacher training when this truth struck me. I had been striving to achieve a certain level, yet yoga isn't about levels. The real yoga is accepting the now. Deep stuff, man. Yoga is pretty damn cool.

I took the leap.

With new realizations, my courage sealed the lips of the voice inside my head that was telling me I wasn't "good enough" to be a yoga teacher.

I enrolled in yoga school. 

It was a simple process, but it overwhelmed my emotions. After talking to the owner, I cried. It was a happy cry. Happy because that ride on the unicorn that I've dreamed about for so long is actually happening. "This is really happening ... this is REALLY happening," I kept repeating. My heart was filled to the brim.

I'm incredibly excited. And incredibly nervous.

Reading through the curriculum makes me giddy. This is so much better than College Algebra. 

While I'm beyond excited to start what I know will be a rewarding journey, that voice is still inside me, telling me I'm not good enough. It's smaller than it used to be, but it's there. It's the reason I felt I needed to tell the school's owner that "I'm not a super-advanced yogi." It's the reason I haven't told all my yoga teachers I'm starting this journey. It's the reason I'm nervous as hell to start. But it's not stopping me.

King pigeon pose isn't there yet. But I'm starting yoga teacher training anyway.

I still can't do king pigeon. I'll be taking my strap, blocks and lingering self-doubt with me to yoga teacher training. But I'm doing it anyway, dammit. Because I love yoga, because I'm eager to learn and because I'm "good enough," as is.


Side note: I originally called this "I can't do a headstand but I'm starting yoga teacher training." And then I did a headstand. Progress!